I can imagine this 2020 pandemic has everybody shaggy and unkept like old man Rumplestiltskin. It’s a nice break from the constant efforts to be presentable and impressionable. 

Over-processed hair, heavy nail acrylics, daily razor burns, and thickly made-up faces can all take a back seat. It’s good to give your body a break from all those harsh undertakings. Find your inner hippie. 

With that being said, it has me thinking about my times in the dressing rooms. You would think exotic dancers would have exceptional hygiene. I, myself, was surprised to learn, for some, this is far from the truth. 

I understand that people may have busy days juggling school, work, kids, gym, and whatnot, however, you don’t want others smelling that! Being in such close quarters, I would think that this is a big turn off for men, but on the contrary, I have heard different opinions. I can only reason that these men are lacking sensory glands. 

Vagjayjays, Nether regions, Hoo-haws, Muff, Fortune cookie, whatever you call it, wash it! As an entertainer, the odor is offensive, even toward co-workers. I make it a ritual to showering prior to every shift, but that’s just me. Maybe that is their calling card, walking by a person wafting their scent around like the fumes resonating from Pepe Le Pew. I understand the dynamic of pheromones, but yikes!

If these girls don’t wash up here, I wonder if their new quarantine life is having them even more lackadaisical. 

Some girls do well at covering themself up with strong fragrances, so it becomes odor a lá swampy box and Coco Chanel. Does this affect the money? I don’t think so. Men will pin their nose for girls they know can cop a cheap feel. I would think, especially these girls, getting close and personal, would want to “freshen up” but then again, why would they think there is anything amiss if nobody has mentioned it and they are making money? 

How do I tell another dancer that she needs some deodorant? How about a breath mint? I wanted to say so many times. However, it’s a delicate topic. I always carry a box of Altoids and would offer them frequently, however resonating BO is a whole another story. I wouldn’t want to affect anybody’s self-esteem in any way, even towards the toughest bully. It is sometimes better to just keep a distance, literary.

How about during menstruation? Once a month, the girl’s cycle would start to oscillate with one another. I would hear girls advertise how it’s their most lucrative time, is during their “time of the month.” “They can smell it.” The girls would proclaim. I do not share the same monthly issues. Therefore I can not confirm if this is true. However, it is a consensus amongst the ladies.

Although I may not share menstrual stories with the other gals, I have learned about its process in my 20 years. Thank God for the man who created tampons. “The show must go on!” All they have to do is stick a tampon way up there, tuck the string, and off you go. Sometimes, the string is left hanging out like a fluorescent thread, bouncing around with her dance moves, enticing the men like a kitty and a ball of yarn. These girls may have forgotten or in fear of having it stuck up there! I’ve encountered many makeshift gyno exams and procedures held in that dressing room where one needs help in removing a lodge tampon that is too far for one to grab herself. Things happen and accidents occur. Big tip: don’t wear white g-strings on these days. 

Finally, during this quarantine, I’m sure the bushes down there are closer to being back to the ’80s, wild and untamed. I’ve yet to see a wild forest accentuated on stage in the strip clubs during my time. Only featured porn stars have dared to add it to their ensemble. Keeping our cookies baby smooth results in irritated daily razor burns. I would often see newbies (the new girls to the industry) would quickly try to seek out a remedy for this, something only a veteran dancer would know.

If you are a feet man, you will likely encounter stinky feet inside a strip club. Dancers work hard and long hours in them heels. It’s understandable that their shoes may smell over-time. Sweat, grime, and spilled drinks partake in musty mold growth. Heels should be replaced every so often. Dancers also make the mistake of storing their stinky heel with their clothes. Not a good idea.

Swampy box stench, B.O., layered with perfumes and scents, bad breath, stinky feet and musty clothes, sounds sexy right? Maybe it’s a good thing that we are all in quarantine and relearning to have basic healthy hygiene.

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